Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
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Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.