ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
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My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN