“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
You Might Also Like
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all