My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
You Might Also Like
2023 was just a warmup
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Doggies just call it style.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Worth a try
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75