Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
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hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Spa day..😅
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
This guy gets it.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!