[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.