Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
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Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
a lot to unpack here
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.