Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
twitter users today:
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Namaste
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.