The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!