*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet