Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
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☑️ I was drunk
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.