Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old