When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
You Might Also Like
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.