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This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
😏😏😏
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.