Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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Well, this explains it:
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
is there nothing we can trust anymore
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Sunday
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation