therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You Might Also Like
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.