“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
You Might Also Like
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
when mom throws a party…
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?