DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
You Might Also Like
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”