I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
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BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
May your day taste like creamy soup.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”