The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
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My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Bros before Ohioes
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.