My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.