ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
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Favourite diary entry ever
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.