Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.