I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
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When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.