Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Selfie
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
He just like my cat fr
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend