wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.