*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
You Might Also Like
Truth
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
What if the weather talks about us?
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.