Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
From Facebook just now…
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Warm pools make me nervous.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
repaired
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.