My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
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Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
i choose….tongue
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?