[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
good work, everybody
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
I beg your pardon?
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.