[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
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I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.