You Might Also Like
Feel. He’s so soft.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Life is a suicide mission.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: