Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
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I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.