Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Just as the prophecy foretold