Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.