[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.