By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
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Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
U talkin 2 me?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!