When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.