It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records