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Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I can’t stop watching this.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.