Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.