They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
You Might Also Like
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.