boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
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Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell