I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Muppet Screams
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish