My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
You Might Also Like
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
bias laundering edition
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.