Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Noah
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.