You Might Also Like
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
(by @ZachWeiner )
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.