When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
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I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
My inexpensive home security system…
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
This is enough internet for the day.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Rather alarming headline…
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.