[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
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Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
So inspired right now.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.