Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
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You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.